Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
