If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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