OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
