Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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