I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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