And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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