A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
