No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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