You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
