it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
