Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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