Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
