can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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