I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.