I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
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You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident