I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just want nice things and good sex
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
