i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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