discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
