Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
