Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
