I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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