if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The air was thick with penises
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
