Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
