So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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