Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
