I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
