It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
