I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
well you can't waste a boner
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
