last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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