I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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