just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
