he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
