You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
