i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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