I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
