Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
