Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
