That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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