Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
