I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
