A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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