dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
