I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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