I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
