I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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