you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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