Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
