All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
