I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
