oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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