Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
