Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.