I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.