I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?