gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
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As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar