Buhtt sex?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
